Oh, the good old days. When dreams had not yet met reality. When you would daydream about your perfect baby, who would be smart, beautiful and well-mannered. When you would picture yourself strolling along the sidewalk, humming lullabies. When you couldn't understand parents who yelled or lost their tempers - because you were going to be a calm, cool cucumber parent. When you had NO FRIEKEN IDEA what was coming your way. Even though you had 9 months to plan, Pin and prepare (and Pin some more). To listen to your mom friends give it to you straight. To read books and blogs about motherhood. You just KNEW your baby was going to be different. YOU are going to be different than "those" parents. "I know everything there is to know about motherhood!" you said.
So how'd all that nonsense work out for ya? : ) Don't worry. We've all done it. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones. Here are the top 10 foolish things we do as first-time moms-to-be:
#10. We create Birth Plans.
A guide for all the doctors, nurses and hospital staff involved in our deliveries so they know EXACTLY how we'd like things to go. Because, you can plan these sort of things. We were all like this, writing down our hopes and dreams...
Because all newborn babies fit in the newborn size, right?
WRONG!
And now you have piles and piles of Newborn-sized Pampers that couldn't even fit on your baby's left foot.
#8. We throw out all Formula Samples and Formula Coupons we receive (Because breast feeding is the ONLY way!)
OF COURSE I'm going to breastfeed! It's so easy! And beautiful! And natural!
And you're like...
And now you have to go to the grocery store - screaming baby in tow - and decide on a baby formula at random. While everyone watches you. And you feel like a failure.
But you're not. Because it happens to a lot of us.
#7. We buy useless baby gear like a Changing Table
#6. And a Wipe Warmer
#5. And a Baby Food Blender
#4. Or even worse, a Baby Bottle Keurig-thing
#3. We stock our baby's closet full of Baby Clothes
And spend hours organizing all clothes and little outfits until it looks like this...
#2. We create Luxury Nurseries
Because every baby dreams of sleeping on the set of Antiques Roadshow
We put up satin canopies...
#1. We try to be PERFECT Moms
...And, despite our faults, mistakes and missteps, we eventually figure out that everything's going to be just fine : )
So how'd all that nonsense work out for ya? : ) Don't worry. We've all done it. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones. Here are the top 10 foolish things we do as first-time moms-to-be:
#10. We create Birth Plans.
A guide for all the doctors, nurses and hospital staff involved in our deliveries so they know EXACTLY how we'd like things to go. Because, you can plan these sort of things. We were all like this, writing down our hopes and dreams...
Writing words like "all natural", "no episiotomy" and such...
And then this happens...
Quickly followed by this...
#9. We stock up on Newborn-Sized Diapers.
And put them perfectly in the nursery.Because all newborn babies fit in the newborn size, right?
WRONG!
And now you have piles and piles of Newborn-sized Pampers that couldn't even fit on your baby's left foot.
#8. We throw out all Formula Samples and Formula Coupons we receive (Because breast feeding is the ONLY way!)
OF COURSE I'm going to breastfeed! It's so easy! And beautiful! And natural!
Except when it's not. Your milk doesn't come it, It's not working like it should. And it hurts like a b*tch. And you're faced with a hungry baby...
But you have no formula to sample because you threw it in the GARBAGE!
And now you have to go to the grocery store - screaming baby in tow - and decide on a baby formula at random. While everyone watches you. And you feel like a failure.
But you're not. Because it happens to a lot of us.
#7. We buy useless baby gear like a Changing Table
The most flimsy, single-purpose piece of furniture ever made.
Well, I guess there are some ways to repurpose a changing table.
Changing Table ---> Bar Cart
Or this
Changing Table ---> Wrapping Paper Holder
But can I ask.. what's so wrong with this?!
PERFECT!
#6. And a Wipe Warmer
Room temperature wipes? Oh, the HUMANITY!
#5. And a Baby Food Blender
Because the regular, adult-sized blender that you've been using for years just won't do!
#4. Or even worse, a Baby Bottle Keurig-thing
Because making a bottle from scratch is really pushing it.
#3. We stock our baby's closet full of Baby Clothes
And spend hours organizing all clothes and little outfits until it looks like this...
And this
When in reality, the baby spends 95% of the time in one of these
And you end up lugging clothes worn only once (or not at all!) to Goodwill
#2. We create Luxury Nurseries
Because every baby dreams of sleeping on the set of Antiques Roadshow
We put up satin canopies...
...which will be the first thing the baby tears down.
And paint the walls trendy colors
We use luxurious, adult-like fabrics and prints
And then this happens.
And this...
And this...
#1. We try to be PERFECT Moms
But quickly realize it's just not going to happen...
...And, despite our faults, mistakes and missteps, we eventually figure out that everything's going to be just fine : )
Love it!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks : )
DeleteBelieving you're going to exclusively breastfeed is never wrong.. a milk supply is rarely ever low, it's only our belief that we aren't producing enough, it does hurt at first but get over it! Birth plans aren't stupid, they are AMAZING!! they hold you, your doctor, nurses, everyone accountable for the things you really want. Wipe warmers aren't dumb either, hell do you want your ass wiped with a freezing cold, wet, cloth in the middle of the night when you're trying to sleep, I think not! Why other mothers try to "share there advice" when it only leads to others feeling bad or second guessing their decisions is beyond me! If you want to paint your nursery to be the most beautiful room in the house, go for it!
ReplyDeleteHey Mama! I don't disagree with you - none of these things are "stupid" or "wrong" as you put (but, note, I never said they were...). The point of the post is to poke fun at how seriously we take ourselves as first-time moms - and how sometimes the things we think are SO important, turn out to not even matter. Breastfeeding is an amazing first choice - but sometimes (like in my case) it doesn't work out for a number of reasons. And you even though you had your heart set on breastfeeding, you just can't. And now you have to schlep out to the store to find a formula - when you were mailed/given/gifted hundreds of canisters that you quickly disposed of. The funny thing about birth plans isn't the idea of having one - it's the idea of thinking your labor and birth is actually going to follow it to a T. As for the other things, I can make fun of them because I did them all : ) No mama should feel bad about choices they make! At the end of the day, we're all just doing our best to make sure our kids don't end up on Dr. Phi : ) xoxo!
DeleteWhat's your PhD in that you KNOW every womans milk supply is never low, that it's only in there heads? Many moms milk never comes in. Mine never did because of a surgery I had years ago. And what about moms of multiples who can't produce enough and exhaust themselves trying because of opinionated people like you that make them feel shameful for not doing the "best" for their child. Get off your bandwagon and join the real world.
DeleteUm...my milk never came in.
DeleteMultiple consultants, nurses. My sister, mother, mother in law etc all gave advice.
But no let down, never more than 1/4 oz at each pumping session-which everyone agreed I should do every hour or so to keep things "stimulated". My baby had a heart condition and I couldn't afford the time to get it right, we had to supplement with formula per her Dr.
And when I gave up pumping and trying to nurse out of sheer frustration I didn't have any leaks, hardness or sore anything. The consultant the Pediatrician and even the L&D nurse who helped me out while I was still in the hospital agreed that obviously my milk just wasn't there when I went back to return the pump I rented in hopes that my own pump just wasn't strong enough.
Thanks for letting me know that wasn't actually what happened though! Talk about making "others feeling bad or second guessing their decisions" Good call!!
Well said. 'Waterbirthingmomma' was just about to get a slap when I read her reply. I DESPERATELY wanted to breastfeed and feel like ive been deprived because my milk didnt come in due to the stress of moving house 2 days after giving birth (may I add this was unavoidable- husband in the military). My son wasnt gaining wait breastfeeding and and was hungry all the time. I saw my GP, midwife and the lactation specialist before we decided to formula feed. But thank you for telling me that you obviously know something I dont or that clearly I just didn't try hard enough.
DeleteMy milk never came in, either and I tried for a month. How dare someone imply that I didn't try. So ignorant and arrogant. This blog entry is great, by the way!
DeleteYeah I wanted to breast feed and due to inverted nipples and a medication I had to stay on I couldn't! I hate it when other breast feeding pros make you feel bad because you simply couldn't. My son now has issues with every formula we have tried and I spend my nights awake and hating myself for this. I beat myself up enough that I don't need any other woman making me feel worse. I've had to learn through trial and error what works best for my son and though he does prefer warm wipes, not all babies do. That first comment was rude, but then people don't surprise me anymore. All moms are amazing at what we do, no one is quote stupid!
DeleteI disagree with #10 and #8. It's always a good idea to have a birth plan, but it is equally important to know that rarely does it go exactly as planned. Formula samples hinder women who would otherwise have gone on to have a great breastfeeding relationship. There are exceptions, of course, but they are rare. I personally think that only LCs should be able to give out samples when absolutely necessary. My oldest wouldn't latch for the first 24 hours of her life and then when she finally did, the latch was horrible. I think if I had had formula samples in the house, I would have given up, but I pressed on and can proudly say she has never had a drop of formula. Again, there are exceptions and those exceptions should never feel guilty for what had to be fine, but rarely is it a necessity. It is usually a hinderance.
DeleteLOL!
ReplyDeleteFor real, right?! : )
DeleteThis is brilliant and all so true. And of course there's the standard booby milk mafia commenting. Happy and content baby, happy mummies! Whether they come out through the sunroof, and drink from a bottle or not!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOMG I had to read this twice, it was so funny!! Got to show my husband! Being a soon to be FTM, this is great!
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY agree with all of these except the changing table. I suppose I could have forgone the changing table for a bed or the floor but I am very glad I didn't use the top of a dresser. Since there are no sides to the top of a dresser the baby (mine especially who is a squirmer and a climber) can fall right off.
ReplyDeleteI am glad I listened to my sister in law who told me to only get 1 or 2 packages of newborn diapers.. My baby was only in them for 3 weeks!
And my birth plan?? 26 hours of labor and a c-section was definately not in the plan!
HAHA I enjoyed the post, everyone thats been there has a right to have an opinion, no one thinks the same. And even though we like to be prepared, no one ever admits the bad or not so good things of having babies and being pregnand. Even though it is the biggest joy, say something as it is, its about time to help teach each other and give advice and laugh together. there is way to mauch seriousness in the world.
ReplyDeleteBest Laugh I ever got, who cares if its accurate or not I LOVE IT!
ReplyDeleteHilarious! Thanks for making this momma feel normal for laughing at her first-time around self.
ReplyDeleteFantastic! I love the photos of the dream and real baby room with all toys. Spot on!
ReplyDeleteLove it
ReplyDeleteLoVe it. I'm about to have #10 and this was dead accurate for me on every point. Thanks for laughs
ReplyDeleteThis is the worst article I have almost ever read! So many things wrong with this thinking.
ReplyDeleteLighten up! It's not even an article, it's a joke on a blog
DeleteAfter exclusive formula feeding one of my kids I have no doubt in my mind that Baby Bottle Keurig-thing looks like the greatest invention ever made. If I'm too lazy to make coffee in a coffee maker I'm sure a hell too lazy to make baby bottles.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, funny read there. I do have to say wipe warmers do help if you've got a baby that screams bloody murder at the cold sensation of room-temp wipes. They've got their place!
ReplyDeleteI honestly think a lot of this is not true - in my very own personal experience -.
ReplyDeleteA birth plan was the best thing ever because without it routine interventions would've possibly ruined my natural hospital birth. I gave away all my formula samples as well because if breastfeeding doesn't go as well as planned you need a lactation consultant and not formula. The diapers? Ok thats a good one. I had tiny babies and we used / use cloth anyways (switch to cloth and the birth size of your baby won't matter much).
As a cloth diapering mom I love my changing table and even with my first who wasn't in cloth I enjoyed using it. I agree with the clothes, we got way to many as well but I just payed it forward and the nursery? I always set my kids up a cute nursery because I enjoyed it. We never really needed a baby bed tho because we co sleep...but in each pregnancy ia was an important part for me to just have that area.
I think everyone is different and we should follow our own ideas instead of them being called ridiculous by others on the internet just because they didnt need/enjoyed those things. Everyone also parents different.
I'm a first time mom and i did none of this. I didn't even buy a single pack of newborn diapers. I do have a changing table on both floors of my house, and they both get used every time we change him. The nursery is a place we use to store the stuff he's to small for. He does have a set up with a bassinet in my room, that he's been using happily for 2 months now. I was given plenty of clothes have bought maybe 5 outfits. Never spent ours organising them perfect, but did fold them according to size and put them in his dresser. Took maybe 2 hours but we have clothes all the way up to 18 months. So there is a lot. My kid also hangs out in footie pjs not a onsie. When he does where a onsie he's got socks and pants on. But it's winter. So i want him to be warm. I never got a wipe warmer, because i can just as easily warm out in my hands. I kept ask the formula that now sits in his closet in the nursery besides a can in my kitchenjust in case. I do exclusively breast feed, and have a good supply. I never made a birth plan and my birth went a million times better then i had mentally prepared for. So easy that if i hadn't watched my sister give birth I'd wonder why women thought it's so hard. I also know I'm not a perfect mom, and i ask lots of questions all the time. So who does this actually relate to ?
ReplyDeleteSo obviously you didn't see the humor in this post. That's ok. Can't please everyone. I think most who read this get a little chuckle. If not, then only a few minutes of your time were lost. :)
DeleteThis article is perfect! Lol Its all true!
ReplyDeleteI thought this was quite entertaining! Thank you for the laugh! There is no right or wrong way for any of this, new Mom's learn as they go. The negative comments on this blog are just as funny. You criticized this post and it's writer and then proceed go on and on about your own do's and dont's, what people should and shouldn't do?...Seriously, you should learn to smile more and loosen your pantyhose.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this blog post. It was cute and entertaining.
ReplyDeleteI bet you had no idea the reaction you would get for writing it though. It makes me sad the ridiculous judgmental fighting that moms do. We are all such know-it-alls aren't we? I hope that you have been strong enough to not let these ladies get under your skin and make you feel bad. Shame on them.
I'm Momma to one Little Man currently (not planning on having more, but who knows!), and I'm SO glad I didn't do these things!! Maybe I'm just insanely realistic or have been around enough young moms to know to expect the unexpected and roll with the punches. Nevertheless, I know people who could benefit from reading this and it was good for a laugh for me if nothing else! :)
ReplyDelete